An Imminent Return

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In the back of my mind for the past two years, I’ve held my friends here as rocks- hard, cold truths that I knew I could depend on without a doubt to still be here whenever and however long it took for me to return.  That’s saying a lot about a friend – expecting their unconditional loyalty.

There are those whom I met here two years ago that so many times brought tears to my eyes as I connected to sometimes every word, sometimes only a sentence.  Those connections inevitably vibrated a chord deep in my soul.  Many times, just a picture could send me soaring, feeling emotions and experiencing passions that were new, inspiring, joyous.

Then there are those that I’ve met in the last few weeks.  It wasn’t until I sat exploring blog after blog, many times finding laughter, often blinking away tears, but always fascinated to the point of almost utter disbelief that there are so many wonderful, captivating and brilliant people in the body of this blog.  And that’s the friend I knew I could return to – the ‘blog’.  I now acknowledge that each of you are the living, breathing heart of the ‘blog’.

Since I last posted an entry, I was given the honor of ringing the breast cancer bell – and I thank God for the tingling of that brass bell, more so with every passing day.

I buried the body of my Mother, her soul still lives – just not here, leaving me as the only remaining member of my immediate family.

My daughter has been there for me every step of the way through these trials – always pointing me to the positive.  It was only as I’ve returned here to the blog, however, that I realized I had shown her a terrible ingratitude.  All the wonderful inspirations she has tried so hard to keep me alive to, I refused to hear.  I allowed the weight of all the bad stuff of years past to weigh me down.  It all slipped up on me totally unaware. For any who have read my previous posts and remember, you know of some of the bad stuff I speak of.  ‘Stuff’ that no matter what, I always found a way to rise above.

But for quite some time I’ve had the doors open to the demons of defeat in all their ragged forms.  I’ve allowed self-doubt to take away my peace.  I’ve let the atrocities of the morning news each day rob me of hope and the day to day dealings with those chasing a dollar or climbing some ladder – whether real or imaginary –  push me to bitter anger.

From so many of you here, combined with her love, much that my daughter has been patiently waiting for me to find, I have found.  Instead of hate, violence, greed, complacency and indecence, your posts have filled me with hope, awe, excitement and most of all, passion. A passion again for life and all the wonderful moments we can experience if we live with a positive attitude.  And with that attitude, wonderful doors of opportunity open in any direction we are willing and passionate enough to pursue. The doors of defeat will be tightly closed. I know this from personal experience, but have never pursued it as largely as all my being has screamed for me to do.

That at this moment changes.  I am stepping boldly into a new phase of my life.  No longer will I let self-doubt control me and hold me back.  I will let the moments of my days make a difference in this world we exist in – my eyes will be open to my own opportunities as well as how I can help in any small way those in my circle of contacts. I am returning to a life rather than an existence.

I thank my daughter for her unfailing faith in me.  I thank each of you for your wonderful and continuing inspiration. And I thank God for the one set of footprints on the beach.

 

65 thoughts on “An Imminent Return

  1. Tammi, thank you for the transparency and vulnerability in your posts. I can see your heart through your words, and it’s not only pleasing to my eyes, but sentimental in my heart as a writer, also. Thank you for sharing yourself with this “blog” family, and for using your gift of words and unique perspective to enlighten us readers from your point of view. I enjoy reading from you, and look forward to reading more!

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    • Thank you, Lance, for your endearing and encouraging comments. I was so glad to find your blog, as your posts I am looking forward to making a part of reading during my workdays as a sometimes much needed encouragement – and there’s no greater – no other – ultimate encourager as God. And I am so happy when I find people here who know that.

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      • It’s unfortunate that I have not yet found many writers on here who are very forthright about their faith, or about the goodness of God (rather than the goodness or chance, or “positive thinking”). I’m excited to be able to share my thoughts in a way that I hope the Lord will bless and encourage others, like yourself, Tammi! 🙂 Blessings to you! Looks like we’re WordPress buddies! 😉

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  2. I’m so pleased to meet you, Tammi! Thank you for leaving such sweet thoughts on my blog tonight. I’m not sure how you found me, but your words led me to your thoughtful, beautifully written posts. I’m looking forward to reading more!

    Welcome to this exciting new chapter of your life, Tammi! My ‘One Little Word’ for 2016 is blossom ~ reminding me that each day is a chance to learn and grow in wonderful new ways! It’s such an exciting time of life! 💗

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    • Hello Dawn, nice to meet you also! I can’t tell you which blog I was reading, but I like to read comments on posts also and as I was going thru my reader, you had commented on a post for a blog I had already been following – which led me to you and the beautiful foxgloves caught my eye immediately! I love how tall and beautiful they grow! From there, I couldn’t quit admiring all your posts! ‘Blossom’ suits you very well!

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      • Just delightful, Tammi! I find so much of my inspiration from author and artist Susan Branch. I think you would just love her blog and her newly published memoir Martha’s Vineyard ~ Isle of Dreams! Susan has gathered an amazing community of kindred spirits on her blog. Have you read any of her books? 💗

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        • No, I haven’t, but I most definitely will now at your suggestion. After checking out her blog just now and seeing how many books she has written, I’m actually surprised that I haven’t came across her before. I am an avid reader, and I am excited now to read hers. I’m old school though, I still like to hold the real book in my hand while I’m reading! Thanks!!

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          • These books are handwritten, watercolored treasures, filled with inspiring quotations. Susan’s illustrated memoir is three books, and can be read in any order. I loved all three books. Martha’s Vineyard ~ Isle of Dreams is one of the BEST books I have ever read! There are some posts on my blog celebrating Susan, if you look in my tag cloud. Happy reading, Tammi! 💗

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      • That’s a sweet compliment. And made me smile.☺When I started this blog, they all said to “define yourself, have a theme, hone in on your topic”. etc. etc. I ignored all that and just wrote from my heart.💖 Jack of all trades…master of few ? But I surely enjoy myself. Thanks, Tammi.

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        • I’ve become more convinced as I get older that that’s the key to it all – to be ourselves. And here in the blogosphere, I think it stands out wonderfully when one is truly being comfortable in their own skin and comfortable writing their own thoughts instead of trying to impress someone. I’ll have to say, I haven’t found too much of that here – the trying to impress, I mean. But when it’s coming straight from who you are, it is very obvious and honest. I hope you have a wonderful evening!

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  3. Tammi, thank you for being a caring blogger! I just got my diagnosis and am in shock after losing my husband to cancer recently. His therapist told me I was suffering from the memories and needed to find a way through the fog so I can begin my own journey. This post made me realize I have another option. Embrace each day! Hugs to you, your daughter and granddaughter 😘👍 have a great weekend and thanks again!🌞

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    • Oh how I wish I could give you a hug – both for your kind words and to convey a bit of positive energy that days will get better. I lost my brother when he was 15, my daddy when he was 49, my husband when he was 46 and my mother at 78 last summer. I thank God each and every moment for my daughter and granddaughter and actually have to turn them over to Him for care-taking and trust Him to do so because I know that I couldn’t make it were something to happen to them. No day in the future will ever be the same for you, but they will begin to start getting a bit easier. Sounds like you’ll have to do like I did – and still do – and yes, that’s to CHOOSE to rise above and find ways to enjoy my own life. You know that’s what your husband would want/wants you to do too. My thoughts are with you — We’ll speak again.

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  4. Your comments are all read with interest and as inspiration, but especially your closing thought — “I will let the moments of my days make a difference in this world we exist in – my eyes will be open to my own opportunities as well as how I can help in any small way those in my circle of contacts. I am returning to a life rather than an existence.” — are so right on. Having personally gone down a similar path, I wish you the very best.

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    • Thank you so very much for your comments, Mary. As I read my own words in your words , I felt a bit exhilarated as I know how I’ve been shifting my attention in my circle of contacts away from myself and towards them. And it is a constant choice of paying attention to do so. The wonderful little things that feel so different in this circle is confirmation to me that I am following through on those words I wrote instead of them just being words. Not that they were just words when I wrote them…..it’s just so easy to get off track. Or it has been in the past…..I get the feeling this time though I’ve arrived to the place where it sticks!! My blessings to your and yours!

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  5. It is a pleasure to meet you Tammi, I’m touched and humbled by your story. I’m happy you made it to this point in my life and thrilled so see you rising 🙂 Look forward to more of your post!

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  6. Thank you so much, Lynne….and your blog stands out for the beautiful travel photos and adventures! I’m always carried away by those – and can’t wait for more! I can’t imagine coming up on a buffalo!!

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  7. Wonderful post! I am so glad you have rediscovered the positive…it really does change everything. We have that choice everyday. Hoping you can maintain your positive outlook even during the hard times. And I look forward to reading more of your eloquent work! Lynne

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  8. to some degree, we (everyone) walks somewhat parallel paths. I think (hope i’m not toooo delusional) that you’ve spoken in some small way for me also. tune out the negative! focus on the uplifting! thanx 4 the wreee-minder ~

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    • Yes, I am finding the more I explore all the wonderful blogs that there is something in common I feel with most everyone. Thank you for counting my words worthy to speak for you – Your posts have an almost ‘hidden’ meaning and once I get to the end of every one I’ve read, I’ve just sat back with a wow at having found someone who has such an art. I look forward to more.

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  9. How beautifully written. I’m so glad you found me, or I found you, or whatever. Like you, I have found so many amazing friends through the blogging community. And our blogs recognize the joy of life, of friendship, of love, of writing, of our stories and of each other. I look forward to reading your future posts.

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  10. We feel separate from each other and that we are all so different. Yet, I look around and find comfort that there are people like me (or I am like them) and we are each doing the best we can on this journey. You are certainly not alone, though we can feel so very alone. Lovely post with such good insights.

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    • That is one of the main points I’m learning again as I’ve returned to reading all the wonderful blogs and writing posts myself. That most all of us have something to offer to others. You write with a honesty that has the power to instill hope, make the reader a better version of themselves….I look forward to reading more.

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  11. A gracious and heart-felt post. You have a hard road ahead, but have wonderful support in your daughter. Use that support, because in doing so, you will help her as much as she is helping you. All best wishes for a long and happy future.

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  12. May God bless you through His love given to us in His Son Jesus Christ. Thank you so much for reading and following holdingforthhisword. May Christ’s gracious kindness bring about great encouragement in your life. Amen!

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  13. Thank you for following me so i could get to see your blog and read your post. Your words are very touching and I send you a big hug across the miles. Be comforted and be blessed on your new journey! Congratulations on your return!

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  14. welcome back to blogging, and to living again… this is my first visit to your blog as far as i can remember, but i am happy for your good report. cancer must be the most un-fun thing going, and it is always encouraging to hear about the stories when it doesn’t have the final say.
     
    not that it ever really does have the final say. a person dealing with cancer is much more than the disease.
     
    in any case, thank you for visiting my corner and for following my blog. much appreciated! 🙂

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    • Thank you! For each of your kind comments! And yes, I didn’t allow my cancer to define me, I thought — until I started realizing how negative I’d become about other areas of my life. I look forward to your future posts – I love your photos – I find them for me to be beautiful in their simplicity. Not simple – but a large statement in a simple picture.

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  15. Gracefully written, Tammi. I think it’s a process and there’s value in feeling our despair. But there is a point when “the door opens” and we have a choice to make. I’m so happy for you. Give your daughter a huge hug for holding the door ajar long enough for you to choose. 🙂 ❤

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    • A gracefully written comment as well. Thank you for your kind words – I blinked away tears – happily! I have came across many of your comments and an interview in addition to your posts and all have made me eagerly anticipate reading your books.

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  16. Such a wonderful acknowledgement of ones own fallibility should be celebrated, because one can only address issues that one admits to having. So many “recovery programs” are based around the AA program, and the first step in their 12-Step program is acknowledging that you have a problem! The logic in both situations is the same, in that you can only address issues that you are prepared to admit exist. Great job!

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